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animus pakadimas
I've been feeling nostalgic lately. I started this livejournal 15 years ago.

I was 15 then. Now I am 30.

That was half of my life ago. How things have changed.

I was reading some of Dane's posts. There are so many. It would be like a book to read them all.

I've been finding myself looking up old obscure 90's and early 00's emo and screamo music. Recess Theory, The Grey AM, Kite Flying Society etc.

I'd love to go to some shows, but the good music scene is pretty dead. I've been going to a lot of hippie festivals and doing wild things and staying up for days on end, but the novelty has worn off and I find myself wistfully thinking of the dashboard, get up kids, saves the day, in passing, and copeland shows I went to at places like the Orpheum, Neptune's, State Theater, Masquerade, House of Blues, Sapphire Supper Club and all of the local shows with featherweight, reflecting on shakesphere, dc north, kicking howard etc. in all the little and medium sized venues throughout central Florida.

We had a great thing here back in the late '90s and early '00s. It's too bad the music we enjoyed and lived for exploded into the mainstream and became something completely different and unappealing. But I will be keeping my eye out for some of my old favorites coming to town. It's just too bad places like The Kids Skateshop no longer exist, and the spirit of the local scene has faded into the corners of ybor night clubs and the random occasional tour from a band that was once popular marking a ten or fifteen year anniversary of their most successful album.

Sappy emotional comments over.

Life Update: I haven't finished my Bachelor's Degree yet. Still need a year of college. Not currently enrolled. Married, recently to the love of my life. Working with autistic kids at Wesley Chapel High School; the place I met the group of friends that got me into Livejournal in the first place.

Happy 15th anniversary livejournal. After this year I will have started you over half my life ago.

Tags: , , ,
Current Location: My Apartment
feeling//: nostalgic nostalgic
hearing//: FSF - Moon is Down

are you different than the others?
so last night i had a few dreams.

first: i was with a friend and i was in a HUGE fenced in jungle-like area with big electric fences like on Jurassic Park but i knew it was the just the country i lived in and they were a fucking hardcore police state. i felt like i just wanted the fuck out so i told my friend i was leaving and he says, "NOOO DONT THEYLL FUCKING CATCH YOU AND KILL YOU" and he showed me on his phone how anyone can look at an infrared satellite map at any time and the security is totally hardcore and people get rewarded for reporting others who try to break out. i think about it for a second and i say, "fuck that, i'm a human being, i'm not supposed to live in a fucking cage, i'll do whatever i fucking want!" and i took off running toward this stage-area that had some asshole spouting propaganda about how the fence is there for our protection and not to wonder what's outside of in. so i snuck backstage looking for a way to shut the power down and i find it. a big orange cable that is wrapped up in a coil; so i find a pair of huge stage-prop scissors backstage and unplug the cable and start chopping it up. then i hauled ass with the big scissors back to my friend in the jungle by the electric fence and i throw some pebbles at it to see if it's still active, and it was. i decided to cut the fence anyway, believing that the risk of electricution couldn't be worse than the encagement and that even if i don't make it, maybe others will be able to make it, or at least try to make it, or at least think about making it. then i cut the motherfucker and all kinds of alarms went off and i shot off into the jungle on the other side feeling the most overwhelmingly intense feeling of freedom and then shifted into another dream.

second dream: dreary cold battlefield, hiding in the trenches. i got lost from my platoon because of some massive gunfight and explosions that happened and i had to gtfo of the place i was in so i hitched a ride with some random military hum-v from my side that is leaving before everyone gets exploded. we head back to our base, which has been half buried in dirt with trenches dug out all around it. the bottom of the trenches were lined with body bags full of corpses of our allies. i recognized a friend of mine from a long time ago, i hadn't seen for a year or so. he's sitting there, guarding the bodies it seems. he tells me that one of our old friends is one of the bodies, i look down and i recognize his face through a slightly clear body bag and i drop to my knees and cursed humanity. then woke up.
1 person is not different or are you different than the others?
Paul Simon, you sir are a time-traveling mind-reader.


April come she will
When streams are ripe and swelled with rain;
May, she will stay,
Resting in my arms again

June, she'll change her tune,
In restless walks she'll prowl the night;
July, she will fly
And give no warning to her flight.

August, die she must,
The autumn winds blow chilly and cold;
September I'll remember.
A love once new has now grown old.
1 person is not different or are you different than the others?
party last night was pretty epic. apparently i have really good cologne? lol@ fallon smelling me all night. i saw a few people i hadn't seen in YEARS! i have such a bad memory i can barely remember people anymore. it makes me feel bad when i don't recognize them and apparently they know me so well :( i blame drugs.

fallon's new bf seemed pretty cool. about the only guy who could carry an intelligent conversation. he thinks i'll go far with my writing, which is inspiring. i think i might write something this evening.

i haven't really been using this journal lately, as you may have noticed... i doubt any of my old readers are even here anymore. i've kinda strayed away from the daily routine format and tried to do something a little more creative with my blogs and am finished with it. it is quite nostalgiac though; regurgitating what i think to be some of the more interesting parts of my life onto this 10 year old technological canvas of a journal.

the copeland farewell show is on the 8th of next month, i think me and robert are going and meeting up with some friends there.

i'm also supposed to go to tally on the 1-3 of next month which i'm super excited about, and then camping sometime soon after that. in tally, i'm supposed to go and see jewlee, a girl i like that i met while she was home for spring break. she's infinitely interesting to me for so many reasons. we've only been talking for a couple weeks, so it's hard to tell if she's interested in me or just using me as rebound from the last douchebag she dated, or possibly a mixture of the two... but in any case she's the first person i've actually sort of hit it off with in about a year, so that says something i guess.

long distances though; blegh.

robbie's had a baby and is home from iraq. he's throwing a party at his house and i'm heading out there now.... but he blows people up :( i am so afraid i'll slip up and say something that he and his family doesn't agree with, like the fact that i don't believe in war or killing. maybe i should stay sober.

i've been reading history by default because i need a break from Hunter S. Thompson so i ordered the collected works of Jack Kerouac, some books i've been wanting to read for a long time! i am excited for when they get here.

need to get a new ethernet cable so i can pwn bitches at some modern warfare.


i'm a bit of a cynic, but i still like to see the beauty in things. if you stop for a moment and look around you'll realize; it's all beautiful, it's all chaos, and it's all happening RIGHT NOW!

i've been feeling a little bit of inner-turmoil lately and i want it to end. i've been meditating and that helps. becoming a tree, forgetting about it, but it's not a permanent fix. it's possibly all this self medication, dizzying highs, deafening lows. i should write something, i'm just rambling now.

feeling//: drained drained
hearing//: die antwoord

1 person is not different or are you different than the others?
I am reinstating this livejournal because I am bored with tumblr and I need a place to write my personal thoughts that will remain private. From here on most of these posts will be made FRIENDS ONLY!
1 person is not different or are you different than the others?
my birthday is pretty fucking awesome so far!!!!!!!


:):):) the party was awesome!!!




you guys are awesome!







everything is awesome!!!!!!











AWESOME!!!!!

feeling//: awesome
hearing//: awesome music

17 people are not different or are you different than the others?
i went to the orpheum tonight with amanda, ashley and brian... it was pretty sweet except i had to change a tire on amanda's car... anyways we saw their friend's band the audition, they're new to victory records, album comes out the 20th of September, so go check them out. i think they're singer thinks i'm cute or something he kept talking to me onstage. also saw the junior varsity and talked to my pal andy a little. went back to the hotel, then taco bell and then hung out at my house a little after.
4 people are not different or are you different than the others?
the party last night was one of the better times in quite a while.
2 people are not different or are you different than the others?


some of these are from my yard... some are from ohio.
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i know you like 'em, now show me some comment love!

13 people are not different or are you different than the others?
partay tonight!



nobody is online.























i'm tired. partay!
5 people are not different or are you different than the others?
thanks.
2 people are not different or are you different than the others?
He took her by the hand, gently with the utmost respect and loving-kindness. Lifting her from her seat she rose to her feet. Silver light shown from swinging chandeliers, as shadowy silohuettes of social society swayed slowly, sipping champaigne to stop the stinging they've been suffering endlessly in the foreground as the music played hauntingly in the back like some hypnotic walts. A masquerade... "who are these people?"
Quickly the crowd crowded around and buried beneath the wondrous waves she fought and surfaced, gasping for air. "dance with me, dance with me." and she took him by the hand.
1 person is not different or are you different than the others?
looking for an artist who is numb?
might as well be finding a tree in the woods.

feeling this way only because he's been left in the cold too long?
like a frozen piece of meat.

he walks proudly around these empty scenaries, holding his head high; with a limp.
like a broken record with the most beautiful songs it could never wish to play again.
an image of perfection in every way; oil on canvas used like a sidewalk.

who played cops and robbers and cowboys and indians and was the hero every time; he never
dies, and seldom cries.

what is it about family, friends and lovers that draw his attention like magnets for hurting
burns and scornful yearninig feelings dry heaving from the inside of a shallow heart.?
contempt for contemporaries keeping secrets discearning the downhearted and dire degree of
degredation.
1 person is not different or are you different than the others?
lost... at sea, at a seaside pavillion, like a camillian blending in...

blending shapes and colors of chemical compounds impounding the computer.
molecular structures.

air, breathed like a lighting bolt from the sky,

bursting down into the ground.

far below the deepest depths, love... is found.

is lost.

found again. and lost once more.



is this true?








who am i to judge, she is not real. she is an image conjured.
are you different than the others?
lots of stuff to do today.

went to see the mosaic last night.

might see them again tonight.



people keep trying to plan things with me and i am not sure what days i have open...
i need a day planner.
are you different than the others?
went camping last night with a lot of people... it ended up being a decent sized gathering for quite a while.
my friends in attendance;
vince, erik, gaylon, brendan, jimmy, pete, erin, emily, isabelle, jackyn, heather, katie...

lindsay, i tried calling you to tell you about it, but nobody answered... emily is leaving today, so i'm sorry we couldn't all hang out like the old days.

well, it was fun...

except when erik tried to fight pete and decided to walk home. but that was funny.
i did not sleep until very late.
i woke up very early. i'm tired.
i was sick earlier, from hotdogs. :( oh well

i miss emily.
4 people are not different or are you different than the others?
i'm so tired. i'm supposed to go camping tonight but i'm probably not.



actually. i might.

i need to ride into town to pick something up for my brother.





the tears drop like tire irons on cold concrete.





i need some fun stuff to do with people, i don't know why... but i feel like i'm chasing my life away with a baseball bat.











2 people are not different or are you different than the others?
with time things bleed perfectly together.

-- like lamp posts in foggy weather.

"where does all the light come from?" i might ask

-- seasoned settlers with a simpler task.


extremely long journal posts are very boring.
plus your writing style is horrible in my opinion.
hopefully nobody reads that for depth or anything; but who am i to judge?







oh, how i desire so very much to hold her and believe every word she says.


it's like poison//things are turning yellow for me.
i might do something irrational.
but maybe that's good for me
rational decisions aren't always -- the best.
are you different than the others?
i miss her now.
,of course.

although, ### 444 positively is good.

not # ... this situation!... in case. my dog escaped tonight alongside her were the chain linked fences frowning down upon the hill.


the ending is so sad to this one.



i hope you all understand, or will understand soon. i'm sorry.

goodnight kids.
i love you.
4 people are not different or are you different than the others?
St. Petersburg is ON EXHIBIT! artsalive FREE MUSEUM DAY, Saturday, May 21!!
Six great city museums FREE for one great day to residents of Pinellas and Hillsborough only. www.stpete.org for more information.

Free Participating Museums and Venues:
Dali Museum
Florida Holocaust Museum
Great Explorations
Museum of Fine Arts
Pier Aquarium
St. Petersburg Museum of History
Sunken Gardens

Park and Ride the Looper Trolley to all downtown locations....only $0.25!!
7 people are not different or are you different than the others?